to whom it may concern
You don’t know me but you helped bring me into this world and for that…I have to tell you thank you from the bottom of my heart. Our time together was limited but without those 9 months, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. It is now that day, April 25th, one of the last days we spent together but also the day you so graciously handed me over to two other people who would take over the role of caregiving for you. I can’t speak much on this experience, forgive me..my memory isn’t all that great, but I know this was one of the hardest things you have ever had to do.
I think about you a lot. There are times I get lost looking in the mirror wondering what parts of you I am looking at. Do you have green eyes? Is your hair also thick and brown? Does this shade of pink tint your lips as well? As I am getting older I find myself reflecting on what other traits I may have of yours that are not only physical. Do you love to travel? Are you an artist? Do you love children so much that you would do anything to give them the best life possible?
I want you to know how thankful I am for you. I understand that I wasn’t a plan for your life but acknowledging that I was a plan for THIS life…I can’t even express my gratitude. Thank you for those 9 months. As my friends venture into motherhood, I know it isn’t just a walk in the park emotionally, physically, financially, etc. For you to sacrifice yourself and your body for me is courageous. I see my friends on their journey and it’s something from the first day of knowing you are carrying life and growing a person, everything changes. I’m not sure if you knew all along that we weren’t going to spend more than that time together but it had to be somewhere in your mind. I just imagine everyone around you asking you how you are doing and possibly wanting to dive into those details (names, feeding plans, birth plans, decorations, baby showers, education, etc.). If we are anything alike, I am sure you wanted to run away and crawl under a rock to avoid these questions…to avoid those answers. Thank you for dealing with all of that…I know it wasn’t easy as it’s not the usual answer “I am giving this child up for adoption” when people see your growing belly and start asking questions with genuine excitement.
We spent a lot of time together, a lot of intimate time. I am sure a lot conversations were had…many promises you asked me to make with you…many apologies you asked me to accept. If one of those promises was to live life to the fullest and to follow my dreams no matter how big they are…I am keeping that promise. If one of those apologies was along the lines of forgiving you…I do.
I can only imagine where your mind can take you sometimes. I want you to know that I am doing great. Maybe you get lost in thought when you are driving or walking down your drive way to get the mail at the end of a long day and wonder how I am doing…I have always wanted to tell you that I am fine. This journey of life has not been easy but it hasn’t been the hardest. The amount of happy memories I have far outweigh the bad memories..and even in the bad times, I understand that those have happened for a reason. That’s the biggest thing I should tell you that might provide the most comfort for you…I know God has been in this whole situation with us since before you even knew I was in your life. Whatever events occurred to bring me into this world or to make that decision that we wouldn’t walk side by side after April 25th of 1987…it was all God. We can’t doubt Him and His intentions… if this is His will, it’s the best way.
So today might be one of the hardest days of the year for you. As the years pass and I grow older, I can’t help but think less about party hats and cake and more about how you are doing. I know it’s a big favor to ask of you and the dream answer would be that you have already, but I need you to forgive yourself. I can promise you that the decision you made was the best decision and the only one that could have followed through. Again, if we are anything alike and forgive me if I am more like the other half of this equation and this is annoying, but I can imagine walking away from this situation and holding regrets and I pray that you are not. We spent our time together and it was some of the most crucial and important times of my life and I have a feeling our time together was spent with a lot of love, caring and compassion.
I am sorry…I’m sorry that you had to go through that 9 month roller coaster. Sorry you couldn’t drink coffee or sleep on your stomach. I’m sorry that your body morphed into ways that only God could come up with. I am sorry you had to walk out of that hospital alone and I couldn’t be there to hold your hand. More than anything…I am just thankful and I have a feeling you are too. I know you learned so much through this whole experience of bringing me into this world and that has created a bond that I am forever grateful for. I may not know your name, where you come from, what you look like…or anything for that matter but you are my hero and I love you so much.
So today let’s celebrate life…and let’s celebrate you. Thank you for the most amazing present I could ever dream of.
I wish you all of the best.
Image by Dorothy Huynh