I told myself I would never wear red lipstick. I don’t know where this phobia of colored lips came to play in my life but as far back as I can remember…it was something that I hated. I grew up with this beautiful woman as my neighbor that I knew as Grandma Rose. Her hair stood firm with half a can of Aquanet daily and her lips always adorned with a shade of pink or red. As much as I loved Grandma Rose…I hated her kisses. They left stains on all of her straws and cups and especially on my olive skin. She respected my phobia and would give me the biggest hugs or would wait to apply lipstick until after she spoiled me with kisses. Her kisses literally made impressions, were everlasting and full of confidence.
Fast forward 20 years and I recently purchased my very own red lipstick because of my own desire. To be honest, I haven’t kept it on very long. I think it’s going to be something of an acquired taste and I am definitely going to have to get used to seeing it stain everything my mouth touches, but it’s a start. Now that I think of it, I have slowly ventured into womanhood. I didn’t grow up doing lots of girly things like painting nails, curling hair or wearing different kinds of makeup. I have never dyed my hair and it wasn’t until a few years ago I purchased my first pair of high heels. Maybe I wanted to live this young girl, carefree life as long as I could or maybe I just never thought I would be very good at being a woman and I felt like I had to constantly search on what that looked like.
The fact of the matter is and if I can be corny for a second and quote Britney Spears…I’m not a girl, I am a woman. I have experienced the in between of “not yet a woman”. I feel like this year especially has been the biggest journey of that. The last few years I have been searching for what I wanted life to look like and who I wanted to be and I am finally understanding what God is asking from me.
He is asking me to put on red lipstick, leave an impression of love and be confident in who He has designed me to be.
I married young, at 21 years of age, and really planned what I wanted the rest of my life to look like. In “my dream plan” I wanted to be starting a family at 26, I wanted to have just moved into our home with the white picket fence across from the community park and I wanted a business that I shared just with my husband. The reality of it all is that I held on so tightly to my own dream that I didn’t allow or welcome in growth for myself, my partner or for us. I was forcing my phobias on life, like that red lipstick stain, and making my own rules for everyone to abide by. If it didn’t fit into “the plan”…it wasn’t even worth discussing. I didn’t know how to be confident, courageous or welcoming to Gods plan.
Present day? My ex and I divorced shy of two years of marriage, he actually just started his own family at age 26 as I have found my life partner and best friend, and the business I began is growing and so many people are involved in it. And all of these things, through lots of healing and forgiveness, are so amazing!! Once my own plans got knocked out and I learned to trust in God and what He has in store for me, living became this thriving activity full of so much adventure and freedom!
So as I have been searching the past few years… I have been taking many opportunities. I have been listening to my gut and allowing God to guide me through it all. I have met amazing people and seen amazing places. I have felt like “I had it all figured out” to only realize, that I never will. I have been learning to take it all one day at a time.
I am focusing on becoming the woman I want to be and that being a woman of God. I am trying so hard to focus less on me and more on others. I am keeping my heart open to taking risks and dreaming big but also coming first to the Lord and seeing what He wants for me. This year has been humbling. It’s been one that has stretched me, challenged me and allowed me to grow more into someone I could only have dreamt I would be.
Through my time in Uganda and giving up a lot to have that experience, I felt the strongest I have ever been. I remember leaving Africa feeling like I could do anything and I had all of the strength and motivation behind me to do so. When I stepped back on American soil, I felt the weakest I had been in such a long time…I felt so lost. My emotions have been on an absolute roller coaster ride the last 6 months. Falling in love and figuring out a future with your best friend will certainly do that to you as well as fitting “your own life” into that. I have felt the most loved ever by a human being and I have hated on myself the most from insecurities and fears creeping up on me from past experiences. I have learned time and time again to forgive and to love unconditionally…mainly for myself. Through every challenge, there is strength at the finish line. And that is exactly what I have learned this life is…a marathon of sorts.
So what kind of woman do I want to be and embrace for myself? I want to be the woman God has created me to be. I want to be strong, courageous and a whimsical dreamer. I want to live with a childlike soul so I can continue seeing His beauty from the eyes of a child but with the wisdom of an adult woman. I want to step up and take risks when He asks me to and I want to listen to His voice when He asks me to stay put and be present in my own community. I want to leave a courageous, confident impression of love…just like red lipstick kisses. I want to be available to others as I know over the past year, I have made myself the most unavailable.
That is where this post started from…being available. This year has been one where I have been continually reached out to. It is the biggest blessing and honor. It’s also been overwhelmingly beautiful. I find myself in tears every day reading e-mails from beautiful people around the world. I want so badly to sit down with each e-mail and devote an hour or so in reply, but then I see my list of editing and shoots that has to happen in between all of the travel going on in the midst of emotional lessons. I so badly am working on being as available as I can be to all of you. As the woman God has created me to be, I thrive off hearing stories and connecting to people. I believe we are all here to help one another and it’s my biggest honor that I could connect with some of you.
So as I move forward, I start small in dedicating time to you. If it is connecting for a coffee, skype session or simply replying back to one of the many e-mails one day at a time, I will be here for you. Forgive me as I learn to juggle it all but I feel the Lord asking me to find balance in making space for others. Whether that be a reply e-mail or simply being able to dedicate my time to building a volunteer program and community to offer unique giving opportunities…I am doing it for you.
Through all of my self discoveries, even the ones where I learn I really do love girly things, I am learning to grow and stretch to welcome the woman God wants me to be instead of constantly feeling I have to search for it. I will lay down my life to be available to others. I will take risks on people and opportunities. I will love myself and others as unconditionally as God does and I will always move forward hand in hand with my Father.