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For the last couple of weeks we have known that Thursday, June 25th would consist of my husband and I having a date night with Ed Sheeran at The Hollywood Bowl. Does anyone else love his music out there? I was quite excited to cuddle up and dance with JP to his sweet tunes while thousands of other Angelenos did the same. Then our good friend Drew asked us if we wanted to go see Rob Bell speak on his Everything is Spiritual tour instead. I do not have much experience with Rob besides recently starting to listen to his weekly podcast which I have been enjoying. After we weighed our evening event options, I knew in my heart we had to go see Rob in this intimate experience. I am so happy we did.

Something he touched on during his ummm…show/lecture/teaching/message…is we cannot ignore our past. His teaching started at the beginning of time and traveled through particles becoming atoms, atoms becoming molecules and molecules becoming cells which eventually became people after 13.8 billion years has passed. Rob said “the universe cannot ignore its own history and neither can you.” We are all made up of the history of the universe and of our own past. Everything we have gone through makes us who we are today.

As you know, I am pretty comfortable talking about my past. There are some things I am still sorting out that feel quite fragile but there are also other things I have grown to understand and learn from. Those lessons were dark. They weren’t easy. There were so many tears. Phone calls to my best friend where I just said the same things over and over. Self hatred and doubt. Insecurities and fears. Let me tell you what…the results of this time were the most beautiful.

Last night something was said that I couldn’t help but go “mmmhmmm” out loud.

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“We generally tell stories about the dark matter, the unknown, the stuff that cannot be explained. That is what turns us into who we are.”- paraphrasing Rob Bell

There was talk about suffering and how there really is no prescription for it. Grieving needs to happen and it’s going to happen naturally and in its own way. No bible verse, baked goods or certain amount of counsel will declare you “healed.”

So why do we suffer? How do we handle it? I believe we suffer so we can relate. Do I want to talk about my divorce all the time? No. That is in the past but still the past makes me who I am. I am so grateful for my divorce. I have never felt so humble and relatable. I have found community in my despair. I remember feeling so alone through it all but the more I was able to tell my story, the more I realized there are so many people who have gone through this or ARE going through it. Now we have this bond we can relate on even if it is something that was once rooted out of our biggest fears.

 Be vulnerable in telling your own story. These things..the dark matter..the grief..this is what brings people together. We never know why we are going through something hard in the specific moment but when we meet someone who has also gone through it, it becomes more clear. I’m looking forward to speaking more about this in September at the Nine Retreat.


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I am giving out ANOTHER $500 discount code for the retreat. If you missed last weeks post about this amazing event, click here to learn more. To enter to win this code all you have to do is declare a dark matter of yours in a comment. You don’t have to talk about it. Just declare it out loud. Maybe you have never said it out loud or maybe it’s something you are open about. If you have more than one, go for it…I know I do. The goal for this is to just see that you are not alone. You have gone through those things for a reason, as hard as it is to believe. Nothing is wasted. These things DO NOT define you but they have shaped you into the beautiful, strong woman you are today.

If I were to comment mine would be:

Divorce, Abuse, Cheating, Child Molestation and Body Image Issues

I will do the same as I did below by adding your emails to a random name generator and a winner will be picked next Friday!


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Wow! I was so excited to see the response to my last post on the Nine Retreat. I really hope all of you ladies can come!!

Everyone who commented on wanting to attend names were put into an online name generator and I am so excited to share who won!

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Can’t wait to experience this retreat with you Elizabeth!

bda
  • June 27, 2015 - 7:13 pm

    stephanie wright - self worth, anger, bitterness, rejection, sexual abuse.ReplyCancel

  • June 28, 2015 - 8:34 pm

    melissa - shame & inadequacyReplyCancel

  • June 28, 2015 - 9:20 pm

    Mindy Braun - Bullying, rejection, self worth, loneliness, bitternessReplyCancel

  • June 29, 2015 - 12:24 am

    M D - Not being good enoughReplyCancel

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Dear resilient heart of mine,

Do you remember when we moved to Santa Monica? It was a time full of scary transitions and hopeful beginnings. Our friends invited us to stay in their charming yellow bungalow just blocks from the Pacific and it was our first time living on our own ever. You were pretty hurt. You had just been battered, broken and beat up. All of your fears had come to life. It took some time but I was holding onto hope believing in the fairy tale ending, enough for the both of us.

We rode our bike. Do you remember the mint green beach cruiser that our ex bought us for our 22nd birthday? It ended up getting stolen when we were living in Africa but during this season, it was our method of therapy. We would ride back and forth on the Santa Monica bike path listening to The Civil Wars – Barton Hollow album. Remember when we heard “To Whom It May Concern” for the first time? Oh man, I swear we listened to it at least 25 times the ride that we discovered it.

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don’t know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven’t met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

This song was the beautiful bandage that wrapped you all up and started mending your pieces back together. It was everything to us at that time. It was an essay of love. A declaration of hope. A promise of redemption.

 Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven’t met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

We might have held onto that declaration of hope a little too much. This was a season of searching. We searched our soul for whatever it desired and gave into all of it’s cravings. I have to apologize for that because I put you through even more. That bandage had to be administered a few more times and we even busted out some super glue once to help put the pieces that were shattered beyond belief back together. No matter what, there was always a tiny piece missing. They were left behind as  souvenirs of those brief moments in time.

I couldn’t help it, I have always been that hopeless of a romantic. Oh…but then we fell in love with Jesus.

That changed everything. It wasn’t about us searching anymore. It wasn’t about us fulfilling our own desires. Yes, we knew more than anything we wanted to be a wife and mother but it was so beautiful when we realized that it was all in God’s control. This allowed us to chase after dreams that we put on the back burner as we waited for “the one”. We so badly wanted our beloved to be in the picture before we took those first steps but it was time to place one foot forward. God whispered to us that “He was working on him” and would “bring him wherever we go”.

So we went but couldn’t help but dream of those promises being met on the red dirt roads of Uganda.

I’ve missed you but I haven’t met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven’t met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I’m still waiting patiently

You were beating fast inside my rib cage and I was questioning if we should share this intricate piece of information with JP. I mean, it was our lifeline for a season but as we pulled into plaza for a slice of pizza on our very first road trip together, I pressed play. Hands were held. Tears danced down cheeks. Promises were delivered. Redemption had been made.

I want to promise the bandage will never be brought out again but that might be a lie. I’m sure we will need to wrap you up in it several more times throughout life but the best part is we don’t have to do it alone. We have an amazing Healer and a patient husband to help us pick up the pieces. No more solo beach cruising and bungalow living for us. If and when we ever listen to that song again,  we will be reminded of how God knows and delivers our most intimate desires.

Thank you for being strong enough for the both of us.

Mary

bda
  • June 25, 2015 - 4:08 pm

    Kelsey - I’ve come across your Instagram many times before and have loved to see and read your posts, and for whatever reason I have never followed you. Recently though your beautiful posts have crossed my mind so I tried to remember your Instagram name. Of course I was searching for wandering with Lucy lol and then I remembered it was Mary! Anyhow, now that I’m officially following you, and went further on to read your blog, I just want to thank you for how uplifting and inspiring you are as a woman of God. You are such a reminder for me to look to God and get in the word. Being surrounded by people at work and in the daily life that don’t walk with Christ can be a little discouraging at times. It’s refreshing to read what you have to say. You are one of those people that make others say, “I want what she has, all that love and happiness, what is this Jesus thing she’s talking about?” If I could choose you as a friend in real life I totally would! Lol thank you again! :)ReplyCancel

  • June 27, 2015 - 7:25 pm

    stephanie wright - This is so beautiful!
    I LOVE your vulnerable heart.
    You have really encouraged me to write again to write about my story. I’ll always remember the post about the puzzle pieces.
    How we may only see a certain piece but God sees the whole picture. I’m in a season of transitions/ unknowns and I’ve been really hard on myself because I just don’t understand. Lets just say my heart has been really tender and I’m not the best at guarding it, or letting The Lord protect it. This post was really encouraging. Thank you Mary for everything!ReplyCancel

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I’m not going to lie, I had been eyeing dresses. I believe I even made a secret Pinterest board full of beautiful white lacy gowns that I might be trying on within the first year of meeting JP.  I knew two things for certain:

1. It had to be from The Dress Theory

2. It had to be made by Sarah Seven


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I traveled to Seattle, Washington in April of 2014 to visit one of the only Dress Theory stores at that time. Since then they have opened up in Nashville, Tennessee and San Diego, California. I had been following The Dress Theory for quite sometime and was a huge fan of the owner Camille. JP had actually become friends with her while attending University and DJ’d her wedding a few years ago! When it came down to actually scheduling my very own dress fitting appointment, I was in awe of all of the unique details and “randomness” in our connection.

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I was scrolling through Instagram one day in early April and my jaw hit the floor. I was pretty sure I already knew which Sarah Seven dress would be MY dress, but then I saw this one. It was previewing at the Bridal Fashion Week in New York City and I couldn’t get enough of it. I even commented on either Sarah Sevens or The Dress Theory’s Instagram that I had every intention on changing my wedding date so I could wear this dress. While that statement might have been a tad overboard, Camille and Sarah came together and shipped the dress directly to Seattle from fashion week just for my fitting.

Talk about amazing customer service.

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I am HORRIBLE at making decisions when there are options. Seriously, I need one option and I am good to go. Of course this was the first dress I tried on and even though there was no way the runway sample dress could fit on my body, I just knew it was the one.

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I instantly fell in love with the sleeves. I mean, who wouldn’t?! The beautiful lace that elegantly covered my arms and chest. But I think it was the back that made me drool a bit. Not only did the front of the dress make me feel like a classy bride but I LOVED the element of surprise the design on the back of the dress captured.

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I have to say that I felt like a greek goddess. JP’s mom picked out a beautiful headpiece from Untamed Petals that completed the look. Once I placed that on my head, the whole look transformed into a mediterranean feel which I loved.

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I felt absolutely beautiful as a bride. I couldn’t believe the creativity put into my dress. Sarah makes all of her dresses by hand and caters to your specific sizes. Even though my order came in pretty last minute in the industry of wedding dresses, it arrived just in time to spend quality visits with an alteration lady to make it just right.

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I was so impressed by the creativity and attention to detail that Sarah puts into every single gown she creates. Even though I was pretty sure this was the dress as soon as I saw it on a runway model via Instagram, I still couldn’t help but try on about six other gowns. Like I said, I am horrible with options so that probably wasn’t the best idea. Thank goodness I had two of my best friends there to help me with this once in a lifetime decision.

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This was the moment that made it all worth it…

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The only question I have had in this process is…where and when can I wear this beauty again?!


Images by // Studio Castillero

Hair and Makeup by // Amy Clarke

Dress by // Sarah Seven

Dress fitted and found at // The Dress Theory

bda
  • June 25, 2015 - 11:20 am

    Micah - Can’t deal. Literally, CANNOT deal. These photographs are amazing, you look beautiful, & the dress is stunning. I love everything about this post.
    I understand that you don’t know me, but I’ve been following you on Instagram for some time & was so happy to see the blog resurrected again. I love your writing.
    And, just cause, I want a Sarah Seven dress too! My sister & I linger over them all the time!ReplyCancel

  • July 8, 2015 - 8:10 pm

    Elana - You are too breathtaking for words! You looked absolutely radiant on your wedding day!ReplyCancel

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You guys, there are so many exciting things happening this year but one that I am looking forward to the most is being a part of the Nine Retreat. The Nine Retreat is for women who are used to giving back to others and are seeking to fulfill their own souls. Imagine a gathering of vulnerable, inspirational, loving women who want to lift you up and encourage you to live life to the fullest and chase after all of your wildest dreams.


 

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NINE represents:

1. universal love

2. inner-strength

3. loyalty

4. brilliance

5. empathy

6. forgiveness

7. communication

8. creativity

9. optimism

I cannot think of a more beautiful outline for a creative gathering. Whether you are a mother or wife, business owner or employee, dreamer or doer, student or graduate, fearful or ambitious….there is something for you at this retreat!

I encourage you to head on over to the Nine Retreat website to find more information on what we will be doing on a daily basis September 21-24 in Venice Beach, California. There are so many incredible things and people that you are not going to want to miss out on!


 

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I am so excited to be giving away 4 discount codes over the next four weeks! Each week I will let you know how you can enter to win a code to receive $500 off of the Nine Retreat cost. How awesome is that?!

We will start it off simple this week:

Leave a comment on this post and I will put all names into a random generator and let you know who was picked next week. It’s that easy!

I am so excited to see some of you in September!!
bda
  • June 19, 2015 - 5:41 pm

    Fay - Why Nine, Mary?ReplyCancel

    • June 19, 2015 - 7:58 pm

      wwmadmin - Hi Fay! Are you asking why they chose the number Nine as the name of the event? Let me know! I am happy to help answer any questions. Their information page might also have some answers to your questions :) http://www.nineretreat.com/about-nine/ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 5:58 pm

    Morgan Drummond - I love what NINE is all about. It’s so important as humans to maintain personal growth and just give yourself a break sometimes :)ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 6:25 pm

    Ashlee - This is awesome!!!ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 8:24 pm

    Elizabeth Rood - What a beautiful idea! The first time you ever posted about Nine, my spirit lept. It would be incredible to attend such a gathering!ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 10:02 pm

    BArb - Barb Groves! that’s going to be some retreat!ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 10:10 pm

    Jodi - Love this!!ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 10:36 pm

    Megan Faust - This looks like such a beautiful event with such lovely women! I would love to be a part of it! :)ReplyCancel

  • June 19, 2015 - 11:32 pm

    Megan - I absolutely love with the retreat is all about and would love more than anything to get the opportunity to go, to learn, and to grow with all of these other amazing women!ReplyCancel

  • June 20, 2015 - 8:12 am

    Magdalena - This is so awesome! Such a beautiful idea!ReplyCancel

  • June 20, 2015 - 5:46 pm

    Stephanie wright - So excited about this!!ReplyCancel

  • June 20, 2015 - 10:54 pm

    Alyssa - Can’t put into words how much the Lord has used you to bless my heart. This retreat sounds so beautiful and amazing!ReplyCancel

  • June 21, 2015 - 5:01 pm

    Abby Mortenson - Sounds amazing -I would so love to be there!ReplyCancel

  • June 22, 2015 - 2:10 pm

    Jamie - The Nine Retreat sounds like such an uplifting and wonderful getaway with other women. I would love to be part of it!ReplyCancel

  • June 27, 2015 - 11:50 am

    dark matter giving light » Wandering With Mary - […] ANOTHER $500 discount code for the retreat. If you missed last weeks post about this amazing event, click here to learn more. To enter to win this code all you have to do is declare a dark matter of yours in a comment. You […]ReplyCancel

  • July 6, 2015 - 10:58 pm

    Curls » Wandering With Mary - […] I’m giving away yet ANOTHER $500 discount code for the Nine Retreat that is coming to Los Angeles this September. […]ReplyCancel

  • July 11, 2015 - 11:44 am

    Summer Vacation » Wandering With Mary - […] have ONE more discount code to give away for the Nine Retreat. If you would like a chance to win this code, please leave a comment sharing your summer […]ReplyCancel

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image by Studio Castillero

Two years ago our heads were over our heels. We stayed up late talking about everything and nothing. We found it difficult maneuvering with one available hand as the other was locked up and entangled in the softest grip we had ever known. We were driving from the coast of Oregon to Seattle, Washington. Same month. Same car. Same driver. Same passenger. A blank notebook laid open in my lap. I had recently visited Powell’s bookstore in Portland while I waited for my new boyfriend to meet me in my favorite city. I figured we needed a notebook, one with enough blank pages for all of our memories, prayers, love letters and dreams.

As we drove away from the Pacific Ocean that day, our hearts were ablaze with ambition, love and fresh couple goals. We got a surge of inspiration to map out our future because we were naive and felt like we were in control. I found a pen and he encouraged me to draw 3 sections on the first page to organize our 1 year/5 year/10 year plans. I was amazed at how far he was thinking as our relationship was relatively new even though we both knew it was a forever kind of thing. I looked over to my left and asked “okay, what do you want to accomplish in the next year?”. Without hesitation he said, “I would like to marry you.”
If I had a forecast of the storms that we would face shortly after our “honeymoon” phase, I probably would have asked him to pull the car over, stick out my thumb and catch the fastest ride down south that I could. That is the beautiful thing about us not being able to control or predict our futures. The words that danced out of JP’s excited lips were in rhythm with the same words swirling in my heart. That is all that mattered in the moment. That is all that matters in whatever situation we may face.
We have a foundation for our relationship. The day we decided to pursue one another swaying on a hammock in Uganda, we both said “we have a lot of individual work to do, but we want to work on it together.” That was the most beautiful bed of soil for our relationship to flourish out of. We easily could have said we had so much work to do on our individual selves and once we figured it all out we would find our way back to each other…but we declared the opposite. Often times when we are stuck in the mud or one foot out the door we come back to that. Sometimes we even just say “hammock” as a code word to bring us back to the beginning, to our truth.
I see this a lot in my relationship with Jesus. Since I surrendered my life to Him in 2011, the adventure has been all over the place. I’m sure the people in my life think I am crazy for all the different paths I have taken or the endeavors I have pursued. It feels like it has been a wild roller coaster. For a girl who used to stick closely to “her plan,” being obedient to the directions that the Lord has led me has been the most challenging and beautiful thing. You know those puzzles for children where you find your way out of a maze with a pencil on the paper? It’s kind of been like that with short turns left and right that lead to a path that brings me close to where I started but then slopes down to a new adventure. This maze is never ending, full of sharp turns, long waves and beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
I said yes. When Jesus got down on one knee I said yes, without knowing everything that would come my way. The best thing is, the foundation of love and partnership is what I can focus on. I said yes on the hammock that day to my life partner. We knew there would be a lot of ish to walk through but this life would be so much better doing it together. I’m now saying yes to this new blog and yes to making a life out of writing because the truth is it brings me joy. There are so many other things that I’m saying yes to that are going to be the craziest life moves yet (you will find out soon) but the foundation is rooted in truth…in His truth. I am so ready.
bda
  • June 18, 2015 - 4:40 am

    Ashley Howser - Mary, this was incredible!! I know we don’t know each other, but I’ve loved reading your blog and hearing your story. Reading your blog has caused me to want to write one of my own about the adventures I’m going on next. Thank you for being such an inspiration and for unashamedly proclaiming your love for Christ!ReplyCancel

  • June 18, 2015 - 6:54 am

    Raquel Mooring - I LOVE reading your writing! I follow you on Instagram and I often take screenshots of your vulnerable and beautiful posts because they often correlate with what I’m going through at the time. I especially love your posts about your walk with your husband as you both try to follow God’s will individually and together. As someone who isn’t married yet, it’s so refreshing to see an encouraging example of a righteous marriage. I think you should write a book ;). Thanks for sharing your heart!ReplyCancel

  • July 2, 2015 - 3:11 pm

    Elisa Waidelich - Mary, I am so happy to see that you are writing again! I have followed you on Instagram for a while and read through the archives of this blog. You have such a gentle, yet passionate writing voice. I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and wisdom. Your words have challenged me to examine and strengthen my own relationship with Jesus. Keep doing what you’re doing!ReplyCancel